To: Supreme High Exalted Ruler
From: Commander Fremlin Bleeg, Planet Earth Reconnaissance Force
Your Most Exalted Obnoxiousness:
Here is a brief recap of recent observations from our advance scouts. A more formal report will be forthcoming, consistent with established protocol, within the next 24 bleems.
These earthlings are the strangest creatures we’ve encountered since the war with the Troblins on planet Zorp. In advance of our 927 Report (which as indicated, will be forthcoming), I thought it appropriate to provide Your Extreme Spaciousness with some insight into the enemy.
First and foremost, we believe there is profound significance in their propensity to separate into tribes based on differences that are imperceptible to us. While from our perspective every human looks virtually identical, we’ve found that there are subtle differences in appearance that they use as basis for retreating into separate tribes. One of the major differentiating factors (although again, to us it is barely perceptible) appears to be the subtle difference in color shading of their exoskeletons. On closer observation, we’ve found that there are slight differences in hue that cause humans to avoid and dislike each other.
This inclination to divide themselves manifests itself in virtually every section of this globe, even in the most desirable and advanced place they call “America”. In this place, which has the closest thing on earth to what we’d call a just society, the humans go out of their way to find ways to separate themselves from fellow humans. These separations can be based on color (as described above), quantity of possessions, the size and splendor of their individual dwelling place, or even the sub-type of human to which they are attracted.
Globally, another factor they use to divide into separate groups (we believe they call each of them a “country”, although that term also seems to be used for a particularly annoying subcategory of sound that they call “country music”), based on their location on the globe. By establishing arbitrary boundaries between sections of the globe, humans develop attachment to manners of communication and culture that are deliberately different from their neighboring humans living just a gronk’s throw away. These differences (again, seemingly trivial) seem to drive resentment and hostility. We’ve observed violence and hatred as humans from one of these “countries” seek to possess territory or resources possessed by other countries. Some seem to coexist with a begrudging level of peace, but all indications are that we could easily incite confrontations among these various tribal groups, thus rendering our mission all that much easier.
Our observations have been hampered by recent developments. As you know, humans have recently developed the habit of remaining sequestered within their respective dwellings. This appears to be related to the virus we implanted in China, but that is yet to be confirmed. While we have recently noted a disturbing increase in tendency to help each other during the crisis, we believe this will subside once we allow their scientists to uncover the antidote. At that point, things will get back to normal and we can proceed with the next phase of our mission.
Submitted with utmost subservience from your obsequious and insignificant underling,
Commander Fremlin Bleeg, SS97 Fleet, WTF Squadron