Virus Update from Toon Land

Been a long time since I published a Virus Update, so I thought I’d catch you up on developments.

Like any rational, intelligent adult, I decided some time ago to forego watching the news and have instead spent a lot more time watching cartoons. Toonland just seems to make a lot more sense these days. But, alas, things aren’t great in Toonland either. The pandemic has caused some turmoil, and many of the characters have had a hard time dealing with things lately. I thought you’d like to get an update on how things are going in the cartoon world.

Porky Pig has filed suit, naming Warner Brothers, Looney Tunes and Merry Melodies, Inc as the plaintiffs. He alleges that they’ve subjected him to a hostile work environment and discrimination against the vocally-challenged. A spokesperson for Mr. Pig held a press conference yesterday in which she provided a summary of the allegations. Unfortunately Mr Pig was unavailable for comment, having been hospitalized with a severe whiplash that he suffered while trying to pronounce “spokesperson”.

Elmer Fudd, who at this writing is still contemplating whether or not to join Mr Pig’s lawsuit, has announced that he will soon be publishing a book on gun safety. His press agent has released several “teaser” videos promoting the book. In one video, Mr Fudd explains how one should avoid pulling a shotgun trigger if a cwazy wabbit has tied the barrels into a bow. He also explains how one can NOT prevent a gun from discharging by plugging one’s fingers into the gun’s barrel.

From the world of Disney… Mickey and Minnie Mouse have announced that they’ve decided to separate after 80 years of marriage. Recently released from his third trip to the Disney drug rehab center, Mr Mouse held a press conference when he said, “Things have been bad between me and Minnie for a long time. But I just can’t take that squeaky little voice any longer. And okay, I’ll admit that I have no genitalia, but nobody in toonland does.” When pressed for more details, Mr Mouse erupted into an angry, vulgar tirade after which he bellowed, “If I had five freakin fingers I’d give you all the middle one.”  

Disney has also announced that Donald Duck has filed suit against the company, similar to the Pig vs Warner Bros et al lawsuit. Several Warner Bros characters have criticized Mr Duck, claiming that he is blatantly mimicking Porky Pig’s legal action, attempting to capitalize on Mr Pig’s notoriety for his own personal gain. Elmer Fudd, speaking on behalf of Warner Bros, said, “That fweakin duck is scwewy. His words are unintewigable, and he’s nothin but a fweakin miscweant. He wuns awound in day stupid saiwor suit wike he’s in da fweakin’ Viwage People. He must be on quack. Huh-uh-uh-uh-uh.” When pressed for a reaction, Mr Duck said, “Zizz Moomba frizzoo zzizzle.” 

On the Hanna-Barbera front, the big news is that Fred Flintstone has announce that he’s begun harmone therapy in preparation for a sex change operation scheduled for some time next year.

According to Wilma Flintstone, this has been something Fred’s been struggling with for years. “Yeah, the fat bastard hasn’t been attracted me for years. Been takin me for granite. And confidentially, there’s been a lot more yabba-dabba-DON’T than yabba-dabba-DOO over the past few years.” 

In other Hanna-Barbera news, a recent poll of middle aged men has settled the Wilma-vs-Betty debate, which has totally replaced the Ginger-vs-Maryanne debate raging since the 1960s. Overwhelmingly, men have voiced a strong preference for Betty Rubble as the hottest cave woman. According to Mr Slate (Fred’s former boss who now serves as president of Hanna-Barbera), “Wilma puts on a good act during the show, but in real life she’s a pain in the ass. She bitches about living in a little stone house, but did you ever see the size of those pearls? No wonder poor Fred has suffered so much gender confusion. But that Betty… well, all I can say is Bamm Bamm.”

Back to Disney news… After 80 years of silence, Pluto has finally spoken out about the mistreatment he’s suffered over the years. “Ok, I’m a friggin DOG, right? Goofy, he’s a dog too, right? Ok, so how in the hell do ya figure that dumb bastard TALKS and I don’t? He’s got a friggin’ car, he’s got a house, he walks upright and he wears clothes! Me, I go around naked and trottin’ around on all fours like a friggin’ ANIMAL! And worst of all, I am friggin’ OWNED by a falsetto-voiced rodent! Goofy gets to act like a person and I’m a mute, subhuman, quadruped SLAVE! It ain’t friggin’ right.” Mickey Mouse was unavailable for comment, but when informed of Pluto’s complaint, Goofy replied, “Gowrsh, a-hill, a-hill.”

Well, for now… a-th, a-th, a-th, a-th, THAT’S ALL FOLKS